


Learning To Live Again

by Charlie9646



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Bisexual Severus Snape, Child Abuse, Divorced Hermione, Emotionally Stunted Character, Epilogue What Epilogue, F/M, Grey Severus Snape, M/M, Mental Illness, Mentally unstable characters, PTSD, Severus Snape Lives, Unspeakable Hermione Granger, accepting the wrong you have done, cursing, mpreg mentioned in passing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:27:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21729040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646
Summary: Severus Snape just wanted a quiet life after the war. Regulus was gone, his mother had disappeared when he was a teenager, Lily was dead. And truly sometimes he wished he was dead.But, when unspeakable Granger comes with news of his mother things take a turn for the worst before they get better.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Severus Snape, past Severus Snape/Regulus Black
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11
Collections: New Year New Mood board





	Learning To Live Again

**Author's Note:**

> This nearly did not get finished. I am not totally in love with the story as a whole. I didn’t really plan for them to get together in the end, but I realized as I was writing I had done all the foundation work for exactly that, so why not follow through. 
> 
> Warning Severus is a bit of a piece of work in this, but two women in his life do call him out on it. This while far from my favorite piece, personality wise this is the most canon Snape I have written. Removing some extra details that did not happen in canon of course. 
> 
> He’s a pain the ass in this. Forewarning, and I will not apologize for that. 
> 
> The prompt took me sort of in this direction and then the story just decided this is what I will be, and I just went with it.

The day Hermione Weasley, no it was Granger again last he had heard, walked into Severus Snape’s potion’s shop he knew she was only bringing trouble with her, but just not the good kind of trouble. The trouble she brought, was ripping old wounds open. That he thought had long since been closed, if not totally healed.

She brought news of the only person, besides Lily Evans, he had ever loved, his mother. Eileen Ava Snape just packed up one day out of the blue, the summer before his final year at Hogwarts.

His former student was now thirty and he was fifty-one. Some days he felt older than that, other days he felt younger. As if he had been reborn that horrid day, on the floor of the shrieking shack. As if he had been given a second chance at life. You see she was the one who gave it to him. More or less against his will. He planned to die that day. He had been looking forward to his death.

He wasn't going to ”greet it like an old friend”. But he was going to accept it's willing embrace. Death would be a gift to him he thought, an escape from the hell his life had been.

She could not let him have that though, could she? Shoving potions down his ripped open throat, staying him as her friends left, insisting the healers treat him as if had been on the side of the light.

Severus wanted, in the beginning, to hate her for that, taking his choice to die from him, but now he was grateful, even if the witch pushed every single button he had. Severus was grateful to be alive, now even if he hadn't been at the time she saved his life.

He enjoyed the quiet of his small shop, his regulars, who understood he wasn't one much for talking. The peace of doing the same thing day in and day out. So unlike the first thirty-eight years of his life. It had been thirteen years since the war had ended, and he expected many more quiet, lonely, a bit boring, but happy years to go.

Hermione Granger, it seems had to throw a wrench in that. She had to do her habit of blasting into someone's life who didn't need to be blasted into. When saw her out of the corner of his eye walking down the street from his shop window, he wished had just flipped his sign to closed with a simple bit of wandless and wordless magic.

But, then he wouldn't know the truth of where his mother had gone that summer day all those years ago.

Hermione was an unspeakable now, and if she wanted to talk to him he should likely listen. Even she seemed to always bring trouble with her.

She opened the front door of his shop quietly, stood for a second taking in the sight of it, and him. She said, “I didn’t expect this”.

He snarled, “didn’t expect what?”

Hermione laughed, “well that’s the person I remember from school, so forget I said anything.”

Severus said to her, “Ms. Granger considering you were brewing Polyjuice potion in your first year, I am going to guess you have no need for my brews. What brings you here?”

She asked, “are you insulting me as you complement me? And I am here with news of your mother, Eileen, we found her.”

The vial in his hand slipped from his long potion stained fingers and fell to the wooden floor. The sound snapped him out of his daze at the word Eileen. He hadn't heard anyone speak his mother’s name in decades. Since he was seventeen and told his bastard of a father he was moving out.

” You're just like that freak of a mother, of yours, going to amount to nothing. Don't know a God Damn thing about work. To hell with you, Ya stupid Sissy boy”, said his father as he packed up his few things, and then apparated straight in front of his father to the gates of Malfoy Manor, that was his last kick to his father’s ego. To show that Tobias Snape didn't know a God Damn thing about what power actually was.

He asked her, ”how, where, and why? Why now of all times when I have been trying to get someone to find her for over three decades! Let me guess she was right under your stupid noses, Tobias killed her didn't he, she didn't make it to the next town over. She didn't actually get away and you people we're too stupid to realize it.”

”Severus”, Hermione said softly.

He snapped, ”you have zero right to call me that, unspeakable Granger. We are not friends, we are not colleagues, we haven't spoken in thirteen bloody years, you and your gang of Gryffindor cohorts made it clear I may no longer be a death eater, but I am surely not someone you want sitting at your dinner table.”

She snarled right back at him, “Mr. Snape your mother is alive you stupid fool! Merlin, I was wrong your not what I expected you're bloody worse! And no even if we invited you to sit at our dinner table? You wouldn't show up. You made it clear after your trial you wanted nothing to do with anyone from the order ever again.

We all know that. But, because of all you did for us, even Harry, who wanted to make amends mind you we stayed away. Now if you want to know where your mother is, do me a bloody favor, shut up and let me tell you.”

Severus thought, she was still the insufferable little know it all she always was. Merlin, he hated teaching her more than he hated teaching Longbottom. Longbottom was a fool and seemed to be incapable of learning. Granger, on the other hand, wanted to be the best. Even sometimes he thought better than her teachers, her goal it seemed was to try and teach her teachers. And he unlike the rest of her professors, would have none of that.

He said gruffly, ”fine go on and tell me where she is”.

Hermione said to him, ”Eileen, your mother is in Ireland, just outside of Dublin, and you have a sister, she's thirty-four, and her name is Diana. It seemed your mother had a thing for Roman names.”

He said softly to himself more than her,”so that's why she left me. But, why didn't she take me with her?”

Severus Snape, a man who had done more in his fifty-one years than most people will do in their lifetime, but at this moment he felt sixteen again, he felt as it was like yesterday that his mother was packing her things, she seemed more like a ghost that day than a living person. Her movements quiet, thoughtful, she took very little with her. A week’s worth of clothes, a few of her mentos from her life as a witch, her wand, and oddly she had asked for a lock of his hair. She was his mother, and he gave it to her without question.

She came into his room that night, quiet as a mouse, one of their nasty neighbors, use to call her little mouse. She kissed his forehead that night, held him in her arms, and said ”never forget, that I love you”.

Her tear-stained face was his last memory of his mother. Her black hair twisted at the nape of her neck, wearing a black dress, a wool cloak, and boots. For a second, he had thought, he had hoped she was going to kill his father, doing so oddly dressed in what a widow would wear, but instead the next morning she was gone as if she had never been there in the first place.

For years afterward, he tried desperately to hate her, but with the news, he had a sister he could not bear to bring himself to. He wanted to see her, see her one last time and never again. He needed closure. That's Severus had ever wanted, was closure. And maybe now after a lifetime, he could have it.

He asked the witch he had just treated so poorly, ”will you help me find her?”

And much to Severus’s surprise, Hermione said to him ”that is why they sent me Snape because someone needs to help you find them, and I drew the short straw.”

**********************

Severus sat on a rocky ledge on the coast. Why did Ireland seem so different to him from England? The two countries were close to one another. You didn't even need a portkey to get to Ireland if you went to the western coast of England or Scotland.It was that bloody close. And, yet it felt a world away.

The sounds he heard from them the muggles near them, the way they talked, it reminded him of his mother, how sometimes when she was tired, angry or sick, her voice would lose the tone that made her sound like Narcissa, prim and proper.

Maybe his mother had run to Ireland because she was from here? But, why would she never have told him that?

Granger walked over to him and said, ”Time to get going, Snape, I have the address written down of where your mother should be.”

Severus stood slowly his joints popping as he did so. The years in the dark lord’s service, being a spy had aged him, it had changed him. It left him with far more nerve damage than he ever would want to admit to anyone. Sometimes he just couldn't feel his feet and or hands. Speaking out about it could make it where no one would buy potions from him. Better to self treat it, with his on potions. Safer too since someone else might try to use medication to ”get rid of the stupid piece of death eater crap”. The statement that had been shouted at him many times.

The numbness also came with pain. Pain that made it hard to walk or stand. Pain that if he didn't have such a high tolerance for it might have left him bed-bound for days on end. But, he was a Slytherin and just far too stubborn for that.

There was honestly likely little that the healers could do anyway, even magic had its limits. His pain and numbness was caused by some of the strongest magic and most deadly venom, he should just count his blessings that he was still even alive and call it good.

Severus followed the woman with the wild curls down the street and towards his past, towards his mother’s new home, and possibly new family. The one she didn't think he needed to be a part of. He had to admit he still slightly bitter about that one. Not that he would ever voice that to anyone, surely doing so would do no good. Only a fool would be in their fifties and bitter that their mummy didn't love them enough. But, he was ever so slightly bitter, angry and upset about that fact.

How could she simply pretend as if he never existed? Truly the same way he forgot about the son he had to bury. The little life that never got a real chance. His little Orion. The son of Regulus. He had been a little accident, but at the time before everything went to shit a joyful accident. And then everything fucking went to shit.

Regulus dead, later he learned killed by the dark lord. Orion Regulus’s father dead, of an unknown cause. His Orion miscarried in the sixth month of pregnancy, something that was nearly unheard of. He spent a week in St Mungos after, desperately trying to hide his dark mark. He should have stayed in longer, but then they saw it and he was quietly discharged. Who cares if a death eater died? Besides other death eaters.

He was trying to get back into favor with the dark lord, that is why he shared the prophecy, and yet all that did was bring more pain. That is what killed the only person he had ever cared about besides his mother and Regulus.

Lily.

Looking back he didn't love Regulus, he was a comfort, the man had been kind to him, gentle when he too him, even loving. But, Severus was never in love with him. And maybe that made him a bad person, but he wasn't even sure he had been in love with even Lily. It's hard to know what being in love with someone is if you have never been truly loved by anyone. All things considered, his own mother didn't likely even love him. She wouldn't have ran off to Ireland if she did.

The gravel road crunched under his well-worn boots, with only the company of his own thoughts, Hermione clearly didn't want to be here, and she surely did not want to speak to him. She was only here because she had drawn the short straw. That's it.

*********************

Hermione’s small hand knocked on the old oak wood door, Snape refused to knock, he acted as if the door would burn him if he dared to touch it. For half a second she thought there might be a curse on it, but she felt nothing but wood under her knuckles.

She muttered to him, ”grow up, Snape, they are your family, they are not going to eat you.”

Severus hissed, ”you don't know anything about my family, ever thought to yourself why a pure-blood witch married a muggle? Because my grandfather was utterly insane, and marrying my father meant she got get away from him.”

Hermione thought to herself for a second, it must run in the family then. And then stopped herself, he wasn't crazy, he just was an ass when he wanted to be.

She heard shuffling, and movement behind the door. Snape looked like he was about ready to jump out of his own skin. A woman with hair not unlike Snape opened the door. Her skin was as pale as milk, eyes as black as coal, her lips narrow and thin, but her features were also softer than Snape’s were.

She went to greet Hermione, but then saw Severus and stuck a wand in his face, she snarled, ”your suppose be dead, brother!”

His hands went up in the air to show he had nothing in them, his eyes were wide, his face ashen, ”I don't even know who you are!”

The woman did not lower the wand, ”I am your sister, Diana, the one you would of likely killed when you became a freaking death eater. Hated yourself so much, you were likely to destroy the proof that you weren't a pureblood like your little friends.”

He cried out, ”Is that why mother left?”

She snarled, ”of course that's why! She valued my life before I was born. She didn't want me to end up like you, or worse DEAD, by my own brother’s hand.”

Severus snarled, ”I wouldn't have laid a fucking finger on either of you! How dare you suggest such a thing! How dare she suggest such a thing! Let's solve this I want to speak to, mother.”

The woman laughed at him in a mocking tone, ”she’s dead, you're too late, she died three weeks ago. Like you really even care, though, right? You didn't even look for us?”

Hermione stuck herself between the two, she was shorter than both of them, she gave them both a hard shove, she would not allow them to keep snarling in each other’s faces. Eileen Prince Snape seemed to make it her goal in life to ruin both of her children and their relationship with each other.

She yelled, ”will you two both just, Shut It?”

They nodded, they realized how childish they were both being. That may be neither had been told the truth by their mother, Eileen. That, no matter how much they both loved her, she had surely taken quite a few secrets to her grave, and most of those were why she did what she did. And that to both of her children was quite heartbreaking.

Diana said to the two strangers that stood on her stoop, ”come on in and I will put the kettle on. I might add something stronger to mine though if you don't mind.”

Hermione went to take a step into the door the other witch had left open for them, then realized Severus was not right behind her, she muttered, ”come on Severus it's time to face the truth, no one is going to bite you.”

He did as she said and stepped into the cottage, but said mostly to himself, ”no one is going to bite you, Granger, myself on the other hand that's a totally different story.”

The cottage was small at most three bedrooms, Diana had moved back when her mother had gotten sick. At one point she had suggested years ago her mother rent out the spare room, the one that looked over the garden. But, her mother refused. She insisted that she was saving that room for Severus.

Severus stepped into the small cottage and went to work of taking off his boots. Both of the women stared at him. He muttered, ”what?”

Hermione was shocked the man was doing something so normal, but he ignored her.

Diana put the kettle on in the kitchen,Severus and Hermione stood in the dining room hands on the backs of chairs, but not daring to sit down. The owner of the home came in and said, ”stop acting like fools and just take a seat.”

Severus shut his eyes and groaned, but he pulled out his chair and took a seat. Hermione did the same.

Diana heard the kettle whistle a few minutes later, and then went to go deal with it.

Hermione said, “she seems...”

Severus hissed, ”spit it out, Granger.”

Hermione rolled her eyes and said, ”a lot like you.”

Severus snarled, ”I strongly disagree with that statement.”

Hermione laughed, ”and that's exactly my point.” The insanity of this family was making her slightly loopy.

He grumbled at her, and Diana brought the tea in. She said, ”well let's get this over with. Mother was scared of you Severus. She knew what path you were headed on, and the choices you were making... She knew or at least thought no good would come of you. And, then she found out she was pregnant with me.”

Severus said, ”she could have just talked to me”.

Diana said, ”really Severus?

He said, ”I stand by my statement, she could have just talked to me.”

She to him, ”and that my brother is exactly why she did not just talk to you! Because you're just like father stubborn as a bloody mule. The both of you. Too stupid to see the pain you cause. Too ignorant to see understand and your own wrongdoings. Too foolish to see the damage you have done to others.

Like that poor woman Lily, you are the sole reason she didn't ever speak to again. Your actions. Not the Potter boy’s, not Black’s not even the headmaster or even your fellow Slytherins, your own actions brother. Stop being a coward and playing the blame game.”

He got into his sister’s face and said, ”you of all people have no right to call me a coward! You and mother hid in Ireland, while the rest of us fought a war and nearly watched the whole English wizarding world be ripped apart. If anyone is a coward it's you!”

Hermione slammed her empty teacup on the table and snarled rather unlike herself, ”if you two have nothing truly important and meaningful to say to one another? Fucking bloody well shut it! Some of us actually lost people we love, Diana, in that war. I did, and so did Severus as did many others! 

And Severus you clearly don't remember what you were like as a teenager. You were just as bad as any of the other death eaters. You would have likely killed me on sight if you would have met me in a dark alley. You were dangerous. You have grown up,become a decent person, and you have done good things, but I fully totally understand why both your mother and Lily was scared of you.

Before you start I have read the reports, went through the testimony, went through the memories you gave Harry. I had to because no one else wanted to touch it in the ministry for fear of what you might do to them. I knew you, well hoped you wouldn't do anything to me if you found out or I told you, please Severus listen for once. You are a far better now, but that took time.

Diana never did get to know and see the change. Neither did your mother, the person she your sister has heard about had made a deal with the devil. And the only boy your mother knew was who you once were.

Severus, I saved your life because I believed that you were on our side, I believe that still. That you are a good person, but by being a good person you also have to understand that at one point you were not.”

Severus turned away from them both and started to leave. He looked so broken at that moment, like someone who was just totally utterly rung out. It was like during Hermione’s speech he had aged a hundred years. The sheer sight of the way he now carried himself shattered her. She had done that to him, but then she reminded herself it had to be done. It was the right thing to do, even if it hurt him.

He turned in the doorway and faced his sister, the woman who nearly looked like his twin and said, ”I am sorry Diana for all the pain I have caused you. If you ever want to speak to me again send me an owl. I would love to try for us to get to know one another, but I am thinking for the time being it might be best to do so by letter and not in person.

Hermione, thank you for all that you have done for me. I am forever going to be grateful for the closure you have given me. I hope one day I may be able to call you friend. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you and your friends.”

It couldn't be thought Hermione after to shut the door, she thought she might have heard him crying. She bolted from the table after a second she did not know what was going on in her own stupid mind. What was causing her to run after Snape of all people? She did not even know. But as she tried to catch up with him, nearly having to run due to his long strides, she thought to herself Merlin what in The God Damn Hell am I doing.

For once in her life, Hermione Jean Granger was listening to her head, but her heart. Somewhere along the line, though she would not admit it to anyone she had fallen in like or was it love for Severus Snape.

Severus stopped dead in his tracks and spun on her, ”what is it, Granger? Why in the world are you doing?”

She grabbed onto his shoulders and whispered to him, ”I don't even know. I don't even know why or what I am doing. But in for a penny in for a pound.”

And she kissed him, but most of all he kissed her back. They both looked into each other’s eyes when finished and he asked, ”did you really pull the short straw and get stuck doing this?”

Hermione shook her head, ”not really. I sort of asked to take you.” She played with the button of his coat. ”I don't know what I want out this.”

He muttered, ”me neither, but we can figure that out with time can't we?”

She nodded they had all the time in the world to figure this out. All the time in the world.


End file.
